Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me too 😆
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Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
<—- homeless romantic
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.