JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.