.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
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Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Time heals everything 🙂
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.