.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
![]()
You Might Also Like
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Breaking news:
![]()
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Yeah. This was me today.
![]()