Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Living the best life.. 😊
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??