It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.