If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
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I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Big Sex has us all fooled
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.