If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
You Might Also Like
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!