*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
You Might Also Like
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”