“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
You Might Also Like
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*