*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
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me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.