I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
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“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.