Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.