Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
happy valentine’s day to me
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that