I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry