Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach