i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
This made me chuckle cuz mood
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?