the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment