I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Have kids, they said
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”