This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL