Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Message from the dog groomers
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.