sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Thinking about Jeff
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.