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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
181.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
what’s the point then??
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!