My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
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I identify as an antique shop.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour