“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”