My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Note to self: I am a note
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Cake!!
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.