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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
my professor scared me for a second
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs