Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!