Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
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Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
how to have an accident 101
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds