Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.


Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam


I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments


doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”


Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?


Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?


Me: Beer.


Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.


The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.