@meganamram

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

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@TwinSurvivalist

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

@JPLFR80

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

@

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

@KeetPotato

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

@AngelaEhh

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

@Stap_Jr

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

@kelkulus

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.