Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
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People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”