Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.