Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
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Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.