Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”