Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs