If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
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Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
i want to work in this restaurant
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’