We cut our bangs at dawn.
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
#Caturday
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
#Thanos #MondayMood
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies