What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.