I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Who does Amazon think I am?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.