At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
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people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
They did not miss in the small print
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called