had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
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This sounds bad:
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.