Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them