Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
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I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
This is a sub tweet
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Name this drama.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
a fate I wish upon no one
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”