I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I am having an out of money experience.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Not even remotely sorry.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”