I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”