Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me: my friends:
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
😂😂
I’ve been drinking.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….