He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
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waiting for halloween be like:
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.