watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
mom had nothing to worry about
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When ur friends with white people
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*