watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I’m awake but I object,
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!