Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?