All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.