Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”