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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir