[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I would like even faster food.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.