*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter