what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!